The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
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Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.