The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!