The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
You Might Also Like
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
We’ve come full circle