The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
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Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.