The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

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My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.


Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.


Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school

Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university


My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”


sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.


I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.