@deloisivete

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

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@MissHavisham

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

@NurseSeymour

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@iamporgy

Dad : son ,when I was your age I used to walk 6kms to school

Son: oh now I get it
Dad: get what?
Son: why you didn’t make it to university

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@MarfSalvador

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@Darlainky

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.