The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke