@notalogin

The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.

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@Lindzeta

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?

@NewDadNotes

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

@doublewenis

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

@Cllnsn

Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”

@Tmoney68

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.

@skedaddle74

I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.

@Donna_McCoy

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.