The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib