The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Beauty and the Beast
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
how it started vs how it ended
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.