The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.