Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
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Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m not stressed
thanksgiving in nutshell
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”