The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes