The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
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Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing