learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment
Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
my heart says yes but my mom said no
Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.