@LaneSperkus

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

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@simoncholland

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

@Midgetspar

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

@Stellacopter

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

@bridger_w

I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done

@Dawn_M_

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

@envydatropic

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.