The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

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learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument


ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*


*Lexus dealership*

Sales person: if you buy a new Lexus we will make the first months payment

Me: so who makes the other 59 payments?


I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!


Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”


My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.