My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.