The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
lmao
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.