Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I wish I were this cool 😂
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)