I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
*uses ipad as a phone* Hey look at me i’m a hobbit
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.