@BuckyIsotope

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

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@MunkMania

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

@Marcmywords2

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

@notalogin

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

@chrisdowning

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

@XplodingUnicorn

The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@BadJordon

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.