Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg
Patient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.