The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
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Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.