@_Kim_Jongun

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

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@envydatropic

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

@alexlumaga

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@SortaBad

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

@momjeansplease

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

@rmfnord

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

@bornmiserable

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

@howe007

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.

@Mostly_Cheese

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.