@_Kim_Jongun

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

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@justabloodygame

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

@anjeanettec

Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.

@karlainvt

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

@INeed_AnAdult

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

@LlamaInaTux

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

@Mom_Overboard

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

@laurenlapkus

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

@OuterJohn

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.