The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.