I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do