The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast