before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Him: I’m heading to the gym
Me: I’m heading to the fridge
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?
All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.
Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.