The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

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before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything


To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!


*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream


You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes


A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.


Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it


I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?


All the good guys aren’t taken; they’re at the bar on Tuesday nights.

Trust me. I’m a stranger on the internet.