The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.