@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…

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@thepaulahunt

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

@JerseyRambo

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

@PhilJamesson

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

@juanadog

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

@Pork_Chop_Hair

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

@Annekinns

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@roxiqt

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.