There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I’m giving up ice.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me too, bag. Me too….
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.