The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
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Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*