The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Bike for sale
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I hate when that happens.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me