The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?