*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?