The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.