@brendanmcginley

The Riddler always struck me as the Batman villain most likely to have been a pickup artist.

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@GrandadJFreeman

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

@rockymomax

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@ACall55

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@Gupton68

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

@JediGigi

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

@bjfrancypants

“ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!” is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.

@ThaJawn

(Animal school)

Lion: That’s my desk

Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu

-5 minutes later

Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!