6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
i hate you platonically
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Yup.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’