The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.