The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Skills
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…