The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
This could’ve been an email.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”