I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
waiter: and for you madam
her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare
waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir
me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”