@Robert_Beau

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

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@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@tastefactory

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

@ThRealBallsDeep

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

@lincnotfound

[first date]

waiter: and for you madam

her: I’ll have the tenderloin, rare

waiter: excellent choice, and for you sir

me [trying to impress]: I’ll have the chicken, alive

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@portmanteauface

Eventually the pandemic will be over, and things will go back to something resembling normalcy, and life will go on for those of us who made it through. That’s when I’ll absentmindedly go into a bank wearing a mask and get shot

@Lisabug74

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@T_Bonezzz_

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

@bestestname

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”