The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
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Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh