My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus