Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
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You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
BaD BoY!!
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.