God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
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In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist
[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
Nicki Minaj knows we can see her, right?
My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Him: Can you say more?
Me: I’m also good at directions
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”