@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

@jnudey

please excuse me while i search for a new psychiatrist

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@_salt_n_lime

My headphones died when I got to the gym so obviously I’m eating donuts now instead.

@Smug_Lemur

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

@JosesLovesYou

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”