Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?
Me: Just some water.
Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…
Me: Jesus did it again!!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…
I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
[catching up with an old friend]
me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?