@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

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@Dorkstress

Cop: Ma’am, what’s in the bottle?

Me: Just some water.

Cop: Ma’am that’s wine…

Me: Jesus did it again!!

@fro_vo

ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW

@MacAnnabella

People that proudly carry their yoga mats around town…

I get it. I carry my Burrito around with that same pride.

@Reverend_Scott

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@bondgirl_79

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

@coryrichardson_

[catching up with an old friend]

me: [out of breath] how are you still so fast

@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

@Kayditty

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@Malocallidus

What if Daft Punk is just a couple of rad old ladies who met in knitting club and shared a love of sick beats?