@NrouteHQ

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

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@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@simoncholland

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

@TheHyyyype

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

@0point5twins

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

@XplodingUnicorn

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

@trevso_electric

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

@ElleOhHell

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

@tastefactory

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.