Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Opposite that café”
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*