The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

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Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.


Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?


I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.


mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what


“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”


“Opposite that café”



Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.


I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.


What do we want?
When do we want them?


[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.