The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.