Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
me when someone tries to get to know me
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.