The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
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Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there