The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking


(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….


We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]


Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.


“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm


Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the “orange you glad I didn’t say banana” knock knock joke


I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.