The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.

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If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.


The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.


Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”


[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.


I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.

You’re welcome.


I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat