If the shoe fits… congratulations.
You’ve correctly measured your feet.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
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Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’d jump in front of a gently tossed beach ball for you.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I know it’s not on any calendar but it’s “put on clean underwear” day.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
*throwing my hands up*
well, those tasted terrible.
I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list
And back to isle 3 and repeat