Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
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me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My purse is deeper than some people.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I’m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.