@WilliamAder

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

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@alovablenerd

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

@dlicj

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

@McClaneJohn2

According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

@ItsSamG

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

@BeamishBoi

That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth

@TheWeirdWorld

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

@Tylerosis

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.