The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

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[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha


me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri


I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.


According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.


I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for


That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth


If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?


Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.