The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
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I feel like one of these would kill a European
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I’d hang this in my house.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?