The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
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The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.