@joshgondelman: The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.
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@UncleDuke1969: "I think I have Ebola." "JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!"
@jus4golf: To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn't tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
@mooses_mom_mar: Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company? Me: I can kill a spider without screaming. I: Your office will be next to mine.
@Sarcasticsapien: I hate when people say "Look at me when I'm talking to you." I mean, c'mon, one inconvenience at a time.
@heckyessica: Monica just destroyed the internet
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