Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
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no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
When I laugh on my period
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)