“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
What about a To-Don’t List?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.