My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.