The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
How dude HOW?!
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze