The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Cheer up.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared