ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto