The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*


I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!


Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”


Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.


ME: I know a good amount of things


I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters


Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?


Dried up sea monkeys taste nothing like chicken. Related: Never ever put your kids seamonkey packets near your cup o’noodles packets. Ever.


Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto