The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.