Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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That’s what I call a flat tire
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”