Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
CRYING
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll