The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
There is no “we” in pizza
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.