The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Mhm.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
new record!
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.